The Best and Worst of Bamboozle '09

Once a year, in East Rutherford, NJ, from the shadows of Giants Stadium and the Izod Center (where a basketball team called the "Nets" play... never heard of 'em) emerges a mecca for punk and emo lovers in the tri-state area. Every May teens and musically immature adults converge in the dusty parking lots surrounding these two hallowed sporting establishments for two days of pure bliss. With a handful of the world's finest bands lined up to play, the Bamboozle festival is a virtual smogasbord of rock music.

Temporary stages, merchandise tents, food stands, carnival games and cheap amusement park rides litter the Meadowlands parking lot as tens of thousands of patrons mill about, overwhelmed by the sheer number of bands at their disposal. Wonka brand candy representatives peddle free Kazoozles (don't ask) to hungry teens who are thus able to constantly fuel their sugar highs.

Overall, attending Bamboozle is a worthwhile yet exhausting endeavor for fans of this particular musical genre. Hot new bands are present, as well as nostalgia acts, pleasing just about everyone. Some bands put on amazing shows, and even more groups absolutely suck. With so many performances presented back-to-back-to-back (and so on) the various shows can run together, which is why someone has to be attentive enough to sort through the hours of music. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm here. Without further adieu, your Bamboozle '09 awards, as well as the top five acts of the weekend:

The "Just Hang 'Em Up" Award - Third Eye Blind

When I saw that Third Eye Blind was slated to play at Bamboozle I was admittedly pretty fired up. Although the band's self-titled album was among my favorites of the 90's I'd never seen them live and this seemed like a prime opportunity. And while the band's performance certainly had some bright spots, it was for the most part very dull and drawn-out. After opening strong with a couple of hits the band started dragging in the middle portion of the 45-minute set when they started playing songs that were completely foreign to me, likely products of their most recent albums that nobody bought.

Third Eye Blind attempted to pick up the slack at the end, belting out the band's two biggest hits, "Jumper" and "Semi-Charmed Life" in succession. But they managed to botch even these two alternative rock staples by throwing in instrumental solos and breakdowns that stretched the song duration out to the point that I forgot what song I was listening to. A weak effort from a classic band that apparently is trying to revive its career by releasing another album. But based on how the crowd thinned out as patrons jockeyed for position ahead of the Fall Out Boy performance on a neighboring stage, they might be better off fading into oblivion.

Worst Performance - Hollywood Undead

When Hollywood Undead emerged on the stage right next to the one where I had just seen my high school punk rock heroes Sum 41 I knew I was in trouble. I'd heard the band's single on the radio and seen the video on Fuse and wanted nothing to do with them as I attempted to flee the scene. I mean, this belligerent rap-rock group from L.A. combines Slipknot-style masks with skinny jeans, hoodies and cut-off t-shirts. How they possibly take themselves seriously I have no idea. But through what must've been some sick, sad joke the Hollywood Undead sound tech guy apparently took the restrictor plates off the speaker system, resulting in an ear-splitting show that I just couldn't escape.

Having retreated at least 300 yards into the middle of the Bamboozle compound I still couldn't get away from the toxic sounds of Hollywood Undead. The garbled guitar and screaming followed me everywhere as I tried to take my mind off of the horrible sounds surrounding me. I waited in the ATM line for a while. I bought some popcorn. I tracked down and devoured another Kazoozle. But still Hollywood Undead continued to haunt my eardrums. By the time they finished playing I felt dumber, deafer and like a piece of my soul was missing. You want nothing to do with this band, trust me. Avoid them at all costs.

Most Disappointing Moment - The Journey cover band

After (and during) Third Eye Blind's thoroughly underwhelming set the masses gathered around the stage where Fall Out Boy was to headline the Saturday show, awaiting the "special guest" promised by the schedule. And when Journey came out and brought the house down with four of their biggest hits, including the ever-popular "Don't Stop Believing," I felt like the luckiest man in the world. I texted a bunch of my friends in an attempt to make them jealous. Looking around in awe I soaked in what I thought would be a seminal moment in my concertgoing career.

But two days later I found out that it was actually a Journey cover band that had brought me so much joy that night. How was I supposed to have known that it wasn't really them on that stage? MTV doesn't play any videos at all, let alone 80's videos, so should I really have been expected to know what Steve Perry looks like? But the people that I really feel for are the thousands of teenagers that are still walking around their high schools, heads high, bragging about their night seeing Journey. I personally think the organizers of Bamboozle owe everyone an e-mailed press release relating to this debacle.

Douchiest Band - Metro Station

Anyone who knows me well is fully aware that I enjoy a little Metro Station now and again. Perfectly crafted pop songs like "Shake It" and "Seventeen Forever" are staples on my iPod playlists. But after suffering through the travesty that Metro Station calls its live show, I can say without reservation that they are the biggest bunch of douchebags I've ever seen perform.

"Guitarist" (I put this in quotations because I have a hard time believing that he even knows how to play the guitar) Trace Cyrus (older brother of Miley Cyrus) is an anorexic emo freak that whispers rather than sings on record. When he ran out onto the stage in a baggy white tank top and skinny black jeans in front of thousands of shrieking teen girls and promptly unleashed several f-bombs, I knew I was about to have a terrible experience.

Within the first 30 seconds of the first song it was immediately apparent to me that Cyrus' whispering was going to be completely inaudible for the entire performance. And I was right. Making matters worse was that Metro Station seemed completely oblivious to how bad they sounded, executing perfect guitar strap swings and dance moves and hypnotizing the young crowd that just didn't know any better. Certainly a sad sight. And what makes me even sadder is that the band with probably keep chugging along and turning in horrible performances without repercussion as long as Miley Cyrus is famous.

But enough with the negativity... on to the top 5:

5. Bloodhound Gang

Heading into Bloodhound Gang's performance on Saturday afternoon of Bamboozle I wasn't really expecting much. Throughout my high school years the band had released several novelty hits and a few perverted and hilarious albums, but I'd never really considered them one of my favorite bands and never felt inclined to see them live. But as soon as the Bloodhound Gang came on stage and started performing its unmistakable blend of comedy and straightforward rock music, I realized that I'd made a huge mistake not previously attending one of their shows.

I was immediately struck by the band's attitude and demeanor. They strutted around on stage as if to say, "we know we're cool, we've been doing this for years and we've gone platinum 10 times in Asia and Eastern Europe." Lead vocalist Jimmy Pop literally shook his ass and danced like a weirdo as the band powered through its many hits, including "Fire Water Burn," "The Bad Touch" and "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo."

At one point guitarist Evil Jared Hasselhoff (that's really what he goes by) showed why the band members are such close associates with Jackass veteran Bam Margera by chugging a pint of beer, puking it back up, drinking it again, then puking it back up into Jimmy Pop's hat, which Jimmy Pop then put back on his head, not missing a beat. The hard-partying Bloodhound Gang, who actually performed very well and showed that they're no musical slouches, are one of a kind, and I feel lucky to have seen them live before they all die of liver disease.

4. Rise Against

Despite their recent commercial success and utter domination of alternative rock radio, Chicago natives Rise Against have managed to keep their reputation as a truly authentic and thoroughly badass band. Even the group's most radio-friendly tracks possess a driving intensity matched by few.

Placed in the unenviable position of playing on No Doubt's stage right before them, Rise Against showed no signs of intimidation and came out swinging, immediately whipping the audience into a frenzy. Band leader Tom McIlrath, diminutive in stature but an absolute monster on vocals, showcased his trademark angst-ridden half-shouting/half-singing style, prompting fierce singalongs from the raucous crowd.

Plowing through the band's large collection of hit songs and mixing in some old-school thrashers for the die-hard fans in attendance, Rise Against showed a level of energy and passion that was lacking from many of the weekend's performances. And when McIlrath challenge the two sides of the audience (separated by an aisle ironically designed to stamp out moshing) to see who could make the bigger circle pit, all hell broke loose. 

Feeding off the audience's overflowing ferocity, Rise Against closed out their show with their frenetic smash hit "Prayer of the Refugee" (also seen on Guitar Hero III) and at this point the crowd was embroiled in an all-out melee. If you're feeling up to it, definitely go check out a Rise Against live show. But you might want to consider investing in a mouthguard.

3. 3OH!3

Although Bamboozle is predominantly a platform for punk/emo acts, Denver natives and electronica/crunk party boys 3OH!3 were undoubtedly one of the hits of the festival. For starters, the line outside of their merchandise tent at any point in the day was five times longer than any that I saw the entire weekend. I even got swept up in 3OH!3 mania, purchasing a headband and mastering their patented hand symbol, which I would proudly flash on multiple occasions during their performance. And surely much to the chagrin of the king d-bag himself, Pete Wentz, 3OH!3 drew an even bigger crowd than Fall Out Boy had the night before.

Much to my surprise, the Denver duo's live act managed to exceed its considerable hype as Sean Foreman and Nathaniel Motte immediately energized the crowd and spit their rhymes with perfect precision. The group's background musicians laid down the deep gansta rap bass and dance-ready keyboards that are present in abundance on 3OH!3's debut album Want as the crowd ate up every last bit.

As the group closed its set with their smash hit "Don't Trust Me," concert patrons shouted every word back at the band, culminating in everyone chanting the infamous yet definitive line, "Shush girl, shut your lips... do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips." And while 3OH!3 might not be the most politically correct band and should certainly not be viewed as role models for the teens that comprise the majority of their fan base, one thing is for sure: they put on one hell of a show.

2. Gavin Rossdale

When Gavin Rossdale was about to begin his set, my loyal concertgoing posse and I decided that we'd check out a few songs before heading over to see joke-rapper Mickey Avalon do his thing. But then a thought crossed our minds: what if he played old-school Bush songs? We quickly dismissed the thought, assuming that Gavin would stick to his newer solo material.

But when he strutted on stage, immediately launching into the opening chords of Bush's classic anthem "Machinehead," we almost lost it. I'd seen the original Bush line-up perform in 1996 in support of Sixteen Stone, undoubtedly one of the best alternative albums of all time, but after the group disbanded in the early 2000's I figured I'd never again have the chance to see their classic songs played live.

And Gavin didn't stop with "Machinehead." Although he mixed in some of his solo songs, Gavin proceeded to power through "Everything Zen," "Chemicals Between Us" and "The People That We Love" before closing with crowd-favorite "Comedown." And although it was difficult at times to see Gavin amidst all of the fawning girls snapping photos with their camera phones, I left his set energized and with a firm reminder that Gavin Rossdale is a true legend and one of the greatest rock frontmen of all time. The pristine quality of his vocals certainly gave the rest of the weekend's whiny emo bands something to live up to.

1. No Doubt

When I was 12 years old I saw an unknown band called No Doubt open up for Bush and the Goo Goo Dolls on Bush's aforementioned Sixteen Stone tour. When I left that show I remember thinking that No Doubt had stolen the show, would one day be massively successful and that singer Gwen Stefani was one of the most mesmorizing live performers I'd ever seen. Later that year, No Doubt hit the big time with its unforgettable hits "Just a Girl," "Spiderwebs" and "Don't Speak," selling roughly a bazillion copies of Tragic Kingdom and launching themselves into superstardom.

But in 2004, after two more highly-successful albums, Gwen decided to try her hand at a solo career. So the rest of the band retreated to their luxurious mansions in the Hollywood hills and patiently waited for Gwen to return from getting even more rich and famous on her own. Just recently the band re-united and their show at Bamboozle would be only their second in five years. And it was worth the wait.

As the band performed the first portion of its set, I was reminded of the sheer number of smash hits that No Doubt had released over the years. I even found myself singing along to some of the band's later songs that I'd loathed when they came out (i.e. "Hey Baby" and "Hella Good.") The performance quality was impeccable and Gwen was just as charismatic, lively and flat-out HOT as when I'd seen her at the Assembly Hall in Champaign, Ill. 13 years prior.

This performance proved to me that No Doubt has earned its place as one of alternative's all-time greatest acts and Gwen's influence on female lead vocalists can be seen far and wide. Needless to say I'll be seeing them live whenever I can from this point forward, and when she and Gavin's children grow up to be the most talented vocalists the world has ever seen, I'll probably attend their concerts as well.

Chronological List of All Bands Seen at Bamboozle

Saturday: Bayside, Metro Station, Bloodhound Gang, We The Kings, Gavin Rossdale, New Found Glory, Asher Roth, All Time Low, Third Eye Blind, Journey cover band, Fall Out Boy

Sunday: The Ataris, Tinted Windows, The Sounds, The Maine, 3OH!3, Sum 41, Hollywood Undead (sort of), Zach Galifianakis (stand-up), The Used, Rise Against, No Doubt

Shout out to Brittany "Gwen Stefani Jr." Nabors, Felipe "Fuck You, From Florida" Macia and Zev "Don't Look at Me the Wrong Way" Norotsky, my partners in crime. Together we braved the masses of teenagers and emerged as stronger people.

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This post's 90s alternative song is, appropriately enough, "Everything Zen" by Bush. Enjoy!